Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Wanna Be Like Edward Cullen

Yay, let's all give Kanye MORE publicity! I know, I know, I'm not helping. BUT, this was too good NOT to post, mostly because if Kanye ever saw this I think he'd crap his Gucci underwear. And that, my friends, is reason enough for me.

I know this song has been making the rounds for a while (like pretty much everything I post, cause I'm a lazy blogger. You still love me, right?) but I figured I'd post it again for the 5 of you that haven't seen it yet.

Set to the tune of Kanye's "Heartless," here is one man's explanation of all the reasons he wants to be like Edward Cullen:

I wanna be like Edward Cullen, too - mostly so I could strip naked and run out in the sun to find out whether the vampsicle sparkles pretty. Oh please, like you're not dying to know?! Whatever.

Monday, September 21, 2009

How Kanye West Haunted My Honeymoon

We're back, bitches!

After almost three weeks of Italian honeymoon goodness, we've landed stateside and are catching up on all the Twi-Gossip even as we write this post.

Now, I'd love to say that we spent our honeymoon completely secluded and blissfully unaware of everthing happening in the outside world. But that, dear readers, would be a lie, mostly because THIS mofo was in our face everywhere we went:

Hey Kanye! Geordi La Forge called and he wants his glasses back.

KanyeGate 2009 was pretty much THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY EVER in Italy. I think I watched more MTV clips in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 years. BTW, why is MTV even having Video Music Awards? They haven't played a music video since before Britney had a weave.

In any case, after some digging, I discovered that poor Taylor Swift is not the only one to have felt the Wrath of Kanye recently. It seems the Twilight crew has been victimized on multiple occasions:


The poodle hair looks soft but it will srsly CUT YOU. Watch yo back, Kanye.

The moral of this story is that Kanye West needs to crawl in a hole and SHUT THE FORKS UP  

All images from I'mma Let You Finish

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Twifug Saga

Last week, I walked past a woman wearing this T shirt:
Now normally, I celebrate any opportunity to ogle the loveliness that is Robward. Unfortunately the woman wearing the shirt had not felt the need to holster the girls that day and they were pretty much doing their own thing. The end result being that poor Edward's face was so stretched and disfigured, it looked like he was either having a stroke or tossing out the stink eye to innocent bystanders.

I would have tried to take a photo with my iPhone, but this gal looked like she might cut a bitch up and I was not in the mood to yank fake fingernails out of my face. I love you all, but not that much. It did get me thinking, though, about some of the other questionable twi-fashions that have offended our eyes over the past year.

For your consideration (WARNING: irreversible cornea damage may occur):

Although most of our questionable items come from perennial favorite, no list would be complete without the infamous Pattinson Pants:

She's probably closer to sitting on Rob's face than any of us will ever get. Sigh.

Do not refresh your browsers - those are indeed pants with pictures of Robert Pattinson all over them. Unfortunately, the "Pattinson Pants Lady" has informed the Twi-world via LTR that she is planning to retire the Pattinson Pants. I'm not convinced we've seen the last of them, though...

Giving the Pattinson Pants a run for their money are these two pairs on offer from etsy sellers StickerX and Redhairedgirly:

These are boy's size 18, BTW. Because your 12-year old son totally won't get the shit kicked out of him when he wears these to school, right? Right?

These skivvies (source unknown, and that's probably a good thing):

Ohhhh, fake blood stains AND another man's face...  these will get my boyfriend HOT!

This hat by etsy seller Madsciencecreations:

I ain't gonna judge how you keep your ears warm. I'm from New England - you do what you gotta do!

These shoes, which I found on the lovely Twi-blog

 My shoes have teef.  Respect, bitches!

This Edward Slap Bracelet, which was being sold at Hot Topic and can now be found on ebay. The irony aof having Edward's face wrapped around your wrist is not lost on me. What is lost on me, however, is why anyone would want to resurrect these damn things from the 80's graveyard where they belong. I still have hairless patches on my arms from when these were popular the first time around 20 years ago:


Speaking of the 80's (and courtesy of etsy seller laniebeth)....

 Marty The Bananager really wants you to have this.

This one from etsy seller optic threads is a bit of a mystery to me (and apparently to the guy modeling it - he looks a little out of sorts, no?):

Remember that part in New Moon with the flying saucers??? Yeah, me neither.

For those of you who are handy in the kitchen, here's a swell apron from etsy seller diehardtwilighter:

The in-laws will be so relieved. They've had Human twice already this week and they're over it.

One of my personal faves, by etsy seller screambeauty. In these troubled economic times, it's important to stretch the life of your car:

And last but certainly not least, I think this shirt from etsy seller DavidTaylorDesigns sums up what most of us feel but are too ashamed to say: 

And the truth shall set you free....

 Anyone ever seen any of these live? Anyone wanna 'fess up to owning one of them? :-)
TwiFug s

Monday, September 7, 2009

Copulation FAIL


Uh, Rob? I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong.....

Source: Vanity Fair

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends Do Plaid

Dearest Readers,

I want to talk with you today about a very serious issue - Plaid. Plaid is a poorly understood phenomenon, and one that many people hope will simply go away on it's own. But as it begins to grip the youth of our nation, I think it's important that we have an open and honest discuss about the dangers of Plaid.

Problems often begin when someone offers to let you share some of their Plaid.

Marcus Foster, notorious Plaid pusher

Rob at the TCAs, clearly under the influence of Marcus' Plaid.

You may feel great pressure from your friends to try their Plaid, but DO NOT be fooled. Trying even just a little Plaid can start a downward spiral to addiction, and even after you try Plaid just once, your cravings may cause you to seek out and use Plaid everywhere you go.

Rob's descent into Plaid addiction is one of the most well-documented. Oh, the humanity.

You may find that, when you're on Plaid, others addicts will try to take your Plaid.
"Gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!!!"

As your addiction worsens, you may also find yourself offering plaid to other friends and loved ones. This ability to spread quickly is what makes Plaid so tough to stop.
"Rob, do you think people know I'm on Plaid?" 

"Plaid makes me feel goooooood"
"Maybe Plaid will make me cool like Kristen.... "

"Plaid makes my head cold. Why the Hale else would I wear this fugly hat?"

Teenagers are particularly susceptible to plaid. They don't yet have the confidence to just say "NO."

"Does this Plaid make me look more like Rob?"

She's smiling because the Plaid just kicked in.

Those having problems with Plaid often try to hide it with hoodies. It rarely works.
 We can still see your Plaid, people.

Side effects of plaid can include:

Constant hair fondling


Excessive layering


Tendency to use cheesy hand gestures


Unhealthy attraction to Cougars


General cracked-ness

If you think you may be addicted to Plaid, or if a friend or loved one is showing signs of Plaid addiction, please call the National Plaid Hotline at 1 (888) ILUVROB.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Ladies (and Gentlemen? Tom Stu, are you stalking my blog again? tsk tsk) I present to you - FrankenRob!

Yes, I know, this is sorta weak, but it's also pretty funny how perfectly that bolt in the wall matches up with his shadow-neck. I'm not sure about the one in his shadow-pit. Third nipple?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ciao, Bella!

Sorry that posting has been a little light lately... me and life have been in a fight for the past few days and it's gone something like this:

Life: So.... how's about you pack everything up for that cross-country move? And then, you know, book some hotels and stuff for that honeymoon that you're supposed to be going on in 2 DAYS?

Me:  Hale No! There's too much fun Twilight stuff to blog about right now! I have priorities, you know.


Me: Dammit. FML.

Don't worry, I know better than to complain about two weeks in Italy with the lurve of my life (well, the non-fictional lurve of my life.... Edward, you know I *heart* you!). I'm still working on hubby for a side-trip to Volterra... I may have to ply him with excessive quantities of grappa but I haven't given up yet!

Not to worry (because I know all three of you who read this blog were starting to panic), we've been hoarding some great posts and have scheduled them to go up every two or three days while we're gone. I'll also try to tweet about my Italian adventures with a certain special little suitcase stowaway....