Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Wanna Be Like Edward Cullen

Yay, let's all give Kanye MORE publicity! I know, I know, I'm not helping. BUT, this was too good NOT to post, mostly because if Kanye ever saw this I think he'd crap his Gucci underwear. And that, my friends, is reason enough for me.

I know this song has been making the rounds for a while (like pretty much everything I post, cause I'm a lazy blogger. You still love me, right?) but I figured I'd post it again for the 5 of you that haven't seen it yet.

Set to the tune of Kanye's "Heartless," here is one man's explanation of all the reasons he wants to be like Edward Cullen:

I wanna be like Edward Cullen, too - mostly so I could strip naked and run out in the sun to find out whether the vampsicle sparkles pretty. Oh please, like you're not dying to know?! Whatever.

Monday, September 21, 2009

How Kanye West Haunted My Honeymoon

We're back, bitches!

After almost three weeks of Italian honeymoon goodness, we've landed stateside and are catching up on all the Twi-Gossip even as we write this post.

Now, I'd love to say that we spent our honeymoon completely secluded and blissfully unaware of everthing happening in the outside world. But that, dear readers, would be a lie, mostly because THIS mofo was in our face everywhere we went:

Hey Kanye! Geordi La Forge called and he wants his glasses back.

KanyeGate 2009 was pretty much THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY EVER in Italy. I think I watched more MTV clips in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 years. BTW, why is MTV even having Video Music Awards? They haven't played a music video since before Britney had a weave.

In any case, after some digging, I discovered that poor Taylor Swift is not the only one to have felt the Wrath of Kanye recently. It seems the Twilight crew has been victimized on multiple occasions:


The poodle hair looks soft but it will srsly CUT YOU. Watch yo back, Kanye.

The moral of this story is that Kanye West needs to crawl in a hole and SHUT THE FORKS UP  

All images from I'mma Let You Finish

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Twifug Saga

Last week, I walked past a woman wearing this T shirt:
Now normally, I celebrate any opportunity to ogle the loveliness that is Robward. Unfortunately the woman wearing the shirt had not felt the need to holster the girls that day and they were pretty much doing their own thing. The end result being that poor Edward's face was so stretched and disfigured, it looked like he was either having a stroke or tossing out the stink eye to innocent bystanders.

I would have tried to take a photo with my iPhone, but this gal looked like she might cut a bitch up and I was not in the mood to yank fake fingernails out of my face. I love you all, but not that much. It did get me thinking, though, about some of the other questionable twi-fashions that have offended our eyes over the past year.

For your consideration (WARNING: irreversible cornea damage may occur):

Although most of our questionable items come from perennial favorite, no list would be complete without the infamous Pattinson Pants:

She's probably closer to sitting on Rob's face than any of us will ever get. Sigh.

Do not refresh your browsers - those are indeed pants with pictures of Robert Pattinson all over them. Unfortunately, the "Pattinson Pants Lady" has informed the Twi-world via LTR that she is planning to retire the Pattinson Pants. I'm not convinced we've seen the last of them, though...

Giving the Pattinson Pants a run for their money are these two pairs on offer from etsy sellers StickerX and Redhairedgirly:

These are boy's size 18, BTW. Because your 12-year old son totally won't get the shit kicked out of him when he wears these to school, right? Right?

These skivvies (source unknown, and that's probably a good thing):

Ohhhh, fake blood stains AND another man's face...  these will get my boyfriend HOT!

This hat by etsy seller Madsciencecreations:

I ain't gonna judge how you keep your ears warm. I'm from New England - you do what you gotta do!

These shoes, which I found on the lovely Twi-blog

 My shoes have teef.  Respect, bitches!

This Edward Slap Bracelet, which was being sold at Hot Topic and can now be found on ebay. The irony aof having Edward's face wrapped around your wrist is not lost on me. What is lost on me, however, is why anyone would want to resurrect these damn things from the 80's graveyard where they belong. I still have hairless patches on my arms from when these were popular the first time around 20 years ago:


Speaking of the 80's (and courtesy of etsy seller laniebeth)....

 Marty The Bananager really wants you to have this.

This one from etsy seller optic threads is a bit of a mystery to me (and apparently to the guy modeling it - he looks a little out of sorts, no?):

Remember that part in New Moon with the flying saucers??? Yeah, me neither.

For those of you who are handy in the kitchen, here's a swell apron from etsy seller diehardtwilighter:

The in-laws will be so relieved. They've had Human twice already this week and they're over it.

One of my personal faves, by etsy seller screambeauty. In these troubled economic times, it's important to stretch the life of your car:

And last but certainly not least, I think this shirt from etsy seller DavidTaylorDesigns sums up what most of us feel but are too ashamed to say: 

And the truth shall set you free....

 Anyone ever seen any of these live? Anyone wanna 'fess up to owning one of them? :-)
TwiFug s

Monday, September 7, 2009

Copulation FAIL


Uh, Rob? I'm pretty sure you're doing it wrong.....

Source: Vanity Fair

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends Do Plaid

Dearest Readers,

I want to talk with you today about a very serious issue - Plaid. Plaid is a poorly understood phenomenon, and one that many people hope will simply go away on it's own. But as it begins to grip the youth of our nation, I think it's important that we have an open and honest discuss about the dangers of Plaid.

Problems often begin when someone offers to let you share some of their Plaid.

Marcus Foster, notorious Plaid pusher

Rob at the TCAs, clearly under the influence of Marcus' Plaid.

You may feel great pressure from your friends to try their Plaid, but DO NOT be fooled. Trying even just a little Plaid can start a downward spiral to addiction, and even after you try Plaid just once, your cravings may cause you to seek out and use Plaid everywhere you go.

Rob's descent into Plaid addiction is one of the most well-documented. Oh, the humanity.

You may find that, when you're on Plaid, others addicts will try to take your Plaid.
"Gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!!!"

As your addiction worsens, you may also find yourself offering plaid to other friends and loved ones. This ability to spread quickly is what makes Plaid so tough to stop.
"Rob, do you think people know I'm on Plaid?" 

"Plaid makes me feel goooooood"
"Maybe Plaid will make me cool like Kristen.... "

"Plaid makes my head cold. Why the Hale else would I wear this fugly hat?"

Teenagers are particularly susceptible to plaid. They don't yet have the confidence to just say "NO."

"Does this Plaid make me look more like Rob?"

She's smiling because the Plaid just kicked in.

Those having problems with Plaid often try to hide it with hoodies. It rarely works.
 We can still see your Plaid, people.

Side effects of plaid can include:

Constant hair fondling


Excessive layering


Tendency to use cheesy hand gestures


Unhealthy attraction to Cougars


General cracked-ness

If you think you may be addicted to Plaid, or if a friend or loved one is showing signs of Plaid addiction, please call the National Plaid Hotline at 1 (888) ILUVROB.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Ladies (and Gentlemen? Tom Stu, are you stalking my blog again? tsk tsk) I present to you - FrankenRob!

Yes, I know, this is sorta weak, but it's also pretty funny how perfectly that bolt in the wall matches up with his shadow-neck. I'm not sure about the one in his shadow-pit. Third nipple?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ciao, Bella!

Sorry that posting has been a little light lately... me and life have been in a fight for the past few days and it's gone something like this:

Life: So.... how's about you pack everything up for that cross-country move? And then, you know, book some hotels and stuff for that honeymoon that you're supposed to be going on in 2 DAYS?

Me:  Hale No! There's too much fun Twilight stuff to blog about right now! I have priorities, you know.


Me: Dammit. FML.

Don't worry, I know better than to complain about two weeks in Italy with the lurve of my life (well, the non-fictional lurve of my life.... Edward, you know I *heart* you!). I'm still working on hubby for a side-trip to Volterra... I may have to ply him with excessive quantities of grappa but I haven't given up yet!

Not to worry (because I know all three of you who read this blog were starting to panic), we've been hoarding some great posts and have scheduled them to go up every two or three days while we're gone. I'll also try to tweet about my Italian adventures with a certain special little suitcase stowaway....



Thursday, August 27, 2009

LOLPattz: Rob tries out his sales skillz


Well, Rob, let me see.... strapping your nekkid self into the passenger seat would be a good start. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Overheard in the Comic Con Portrait Booth

Rob: Kristen, you wanna go make out in the limo?
Kristen: You're so sweet, Rob! But I really need to practice my bitchface first. Maybe later?
Taylor: I can't stop staring at it. It's robbing me of my will to live.
Ashley: Taylor, I promise it'll be OK. The mullet will grow out.

Rob: *Sigh* Fine. I guess I'll go eat a Hot Pocket instead. Find me when you're done.
Kristen: Check this one out - I call it "Snarky With a Hint of Boredom." Pretty good, no?
Taylor: You're totally right, Ashley. Thanks! Can I touch your butt?
Ashley: My shoes are HOT.

STFU bows down to LTT and LTR (and gets FUBAR on PBR. JK! It was Heineken)

Letters To Twilight and Letters To Rob did two fabulous posts this morning and everyone should go read them. Because I say so and I have indisputably great taste.

LTT talks about the differing opinions on what it means to be a "real" Twilight fan. Given that STFU is all about showing our love by finding the funny and absurd in the world of Twilight, I totally agree with Moon's Twilosophy of "loving the good and calling out the bad."

Over on LTR, UC brings a very important public service announcement about how Rob can improve your health! We think it's something every woman should be aware of.

Ladies, you are my Twidols! Keep bringing the LOLs, they get me through the day :-)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Wolfpack Loves Muffins!!! (and baked goods?)

So I've come across this interview of Wolfpack member Kiowa Gordon (who plays Embry Call) and Taylor Lautner talking about one of their favorite New Moon scenes a few times now.

It has set my bloggy senses tingling (I'd tell you where they tingle, but I don't like to brag, you know....) and I just can't hold back any longer. I may get arrested for this post, but at least I'll be at peace as I hammer out license plates in the pokey.
"I call it the muffin scene," Kiowa said. "We all gather around at Emily's house — it's Sam's, the big pack leader's fiancee — and we all just gather around and eat muffins and talk about stuff."

Sounds like our kind of feast, but unfortunately for star Taylor Lautner he didn't get to join in the muffin merriment. "When they were eating their funny little muffins, I was standing in the back, all pissed off," Taylor said of the scene. "So I just got to watch them eat their muffins." 

Now, in my (not so) humble opinion, these boys sound waaaaay too excited about these muffins for them to just be talking about baked goods. Granted, I am a dirty old lady with a dirty old lady mind, but srsly - did no one over at MTV bother to read this before they posted it? Or does muffin not mean what it meant when I was in high school anymore? Cause if it does, I totally DO NOT remember this part of the book, and Melissa Rosenberg and Chris Weitz are gonna have some esplainin' to do to when Summit sees the final cut.

 Damn, you guys - why didn't you tell me my muffin breath was so bad!?

And frankly, Taylor, I think you are totally right to be pissed off. You certainly weren't getting any muffins from Kristen while you filmed New Moon (she only bakes for Rob, natch) so it just seems mean for them not to share with you. Hopefully you've been able to get your hands on some muffins in the meantime. If not, just put this on and I'm sure thoughtful fangirls will start offering you muffins wherever you go!

P.S. Yes, I I know I'm probably going to hell for this. In a handbasket full of muffins :-)

Monday, August 24, 2009

I Kind Of Love Peter Facinelli

Mr. Twitter-to-be himself, Peter Facinelli (, just tweeted the following:

Went to the movies last night. Three out of five of the previews were for vampire movies. OMC (oh my Carlisle)... What have we

I love that a) he knows about OME and admits it and b) he is shameless enough to try to make OMC happen. 


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Etsy TwiTastic: Life-size Edward Wall Decal

While planning our wedding this past July (Can you believe I'm married? I know, right.... Anyhoo...) I came to adore the crafty goodness that is Almost everything is handmade, and buying from etsy helps you support up-and-coming small business owners. Huzzah!

Like everywhere else on earth, the obsession with all things Twilight has invaded the etsy community. You can find pretty much anything that even the most discerning Twilight fan could ever want or need. We'll be featuring some of our favorite etsy Twi-merch here on Shut The Forks Up.

First up is a Life-Sized (6'2" - that's his HEIGHT, people. Srsly, get your minds out of the gutter) Vinyl Edward wall decal made by the lovely etsy seller Vinylfruit. We know he's been mentioned on a few other Twi-blogs, but we just felt like he deserved some additional lovin'.

 FSV Edward wants you to be safe.... IN BED! On nom nom fortune cookie nom nom.

If you're like us and totally jealous of Twitarded's Full Size Edward cutout, but just not cool enough (or, ok,  hubby threw down the "hells no." Whatever hmphh) to get one of your own, Full Size Vinyl (FSV) Edward might be perfect for you.

Here are just a few of the benefits of having your very own FSV Edward:

  • He's waterproof, so he can keep you company (ahem) in the shower.
  • The hot guys you bring back to your room will totally appreciate his subtle reminder to glove the love.
  • He comes in almost any color, so if you need to hide him from a disapproving SO or non-twilovin' houseguests, just match him to your wall color and they won't even be able to tell he's there! Only you and FSV Edward will know - it'll be your little secret ;-)
  • He provides endless hours of entertainment through a little game I have dubbed "pin the peen on FSV Edward." If you don't succeed, just try and try again... and again... and again.... 
  • He's much less likely to give you frostbite on your lady bits than this thing.

FSV Edward would make the perfect gift for the Twi-lover in your life *cough cough* HINT *cough cough* Get him while he lasts!

Shut The Forks Up!

Wait, you love Twilight, too? Shut The Forks Up!

We're two sisters who love wasting most of our free time on all things Twilight. We haven't been tweens since sometime in the last century (Edward, we have so much in common! Call me. No really, call me. Please?) and we figured that if we're gonna makes fools of ourselves fawning over teenage vampires we might as well put it out there on the interwebs for all to see.

The lovely folks at Campbell's think we're mmmm mmmm good.

So sit back, relax, and Shut The Forks Up!